“It's Not Us, It’s Them”: The Racialized Reality of Dating as a Woman of Colour

Dating can be a challenging experience for anyone, regardless of appearance or background. The highs and lows of what is often seen as an exhilarating part of life can sometimes feel disheartening, especially when personal experiences don’t seem to align with societal expectations or the experiences of peers. In an effort to become the "perfect" partner, we might find ourselves altering both our appearance and personality to fit perceived ideals. This could be in pursuit of a specific person or simply to appear more attractive in the dating world. Ultimately, we may fall into the trap of believing that being single is a personal failure that can be corrected with enough effort or self-improvement.

However, the uncomfortable truth is that we often aren't the ones at fault. In the broader context of dating dynamics, it's not always about individual shortcomings—sometimes, it's about the societal and cultural norms that shape expectations and behaviours. This is especially true for women of colour, who may find themselves confronting deeply ingrained racial stereotypes that complicate their dating experiences.

One particularly damaging stereotype is the idea that women of colour—especially those from South Asian, Black, or Latina backgrounds—are seen as “serious” partners, while white women are viewed as more “casual” or “playful” options. The phrase “white girls are for fun, brown girls are for marriage” is an unfortunate example of this mentality, which perpetuates a harmful view of women based on race. This perception suggests that men of colour may feel comfortable engaging with white women for short-term relationships or flings, but reserve their attention for women of colour only when they are seeking something more committed and long-term.

For those on the receiving end of this stereotype—particularly women of colour—it can feel frustrating and objectifying. It implies that one’s worth in a relationship is tied to racialized expectations of purity, respectability, or “seriousness.” But why, then, are women expected to be more “pure” or "serious" while their counterparts are encouraged to explore a range of experiences? Moreover, why does this viewpoint reduce an individual's character to a set of assumptions based solely on their racial background?

On the other hand, women of colour often encounter a different set of stereotypes when it comes to white men, who may see them as "exotic" or as a kind of trophy to collect. This phenomenon can manifest in casual comments or even in more troubling ways, such as the objectification of women from non-Western countries. A troubling example of this was highlighted in a viral TikTok video where two white men discussed how many women from different countries they had “hooked up with,” listing places like Tanzania or Korea, but leaving out Western nations. This kind of rhetoric reduces women to experiences or conquests rather than recognizing them as full, complex individuals worthy of genuine connection.

While it’s essential to acknowledge that not all men think in these reductive ways, it’s also important to recognize how pervasive these stereotypes can be. Not all individuals or communities conform to such narrow views, but for women of colour, these biases can be deeply alienating. Research on the subject underscores the variation in how different ethnic groups are perceived. For example, East Asian women are often stereotyped as hyper feminine or submissive, while Black and South Asian women may be viewed as more masculine, assertive, or even confrontational. These stereotypes can be harmful in different ways. The former group may face fetishization and harassment, while the latter may struggle with being typecast as “too strong” or "intimidating," limiting the range of relationships available to them.

Despite these harmful stereotypes, it’s important to remember that many people are moving beyond these outdated and reductive views. Globalisation and increased interconnectedness mean that people are more likely to embrace diversity in romantic relationships, which can lead to more genuine and equal partnerships. However, the emotional toll of these stereotypes continues to be deeply felt. It is difficult to quantify the psychological impact of such biases, but the feelings of invisibility, rejection, and objectification are real. These experiences are not just anecdotal; they reflect broader societal patterns that deserve more attention and discussion.

Ultimately, the conversation about racial stereotypes in dating may be uncomfortable, but it is crucial. While these stereotypes remain deeply embedded in society, they do not define us. Women of colour, like all individuals, are much more than the sum of their racial background. Our experiences, desires, and relationships should not be reduced to preconceived notions or limited by stereotypes. The goal is to foster a world in which everyone, regardless of their race or background, can engage in relationships based on mutual respect, shared values, and personal connection.