I have had a boyfriend since I was fourteen years old. Not the same man, but four different boyfriends, all following within quick succession of one another. That means that for the last six years, I have not known a world without a crush, situationship, or boyfriend. That is a dangerously long time. 

It wasn’t until I broke up with my last boyfriend in September that I swore to myself I would take a semester off of dating – I needed to grow on my own. The first month of my hiatus was freeing; not because I could hook up with whoever I wanted to, but because the burden of a relationship was finally lifted off of my shoulders. The only person I had to worry about was myself. The only person whose opinion mattered was my own. I was finally untethered. 

However, by November the semester began to feel long – old habits die hard. I started to crave a boyfriend, feeling desperate for a sense of security and validation. I began to spiral: was it detrimental that I dated constantly throughout the teenage years so crucial to my development? Was my habit of serial dating too engrained to kick? Was there even a ‘me’ without someone by my side? Would I ever be able to de-center men? 

I would be lying if I said I have been able to answer all these questions within the last four months. The truth is that these questions keep me up at night. Sometimes I am afraid that I have hit the point of no return, and that my obsession with men is irreversible. However, for any woman who finds herself in my situation, I think I can offer some advice. 

First, stay firm in your decision to stay single. Quitting serial dating is like getting sober (not exactly, but bear with me). You know it’s the right decision to make; you stick with it for a while, but eventually you think, “I don’t have a problem, I’m ready to get back out there!”. Do not relapse. You do have a problem. You are not ready to get back out there. Some days are going to be harder than others, but progress is not linear. Knowing who you are without a man by your side will offer a greater reward than any new boyfriend could. 

Two, take this time to heal from past relationships. When you serial date, there is no time in between relationships to properly heal from each man. Treat this period as an opportunity to process your feelings, experience the hurt, and finally move on. I am not suggesting you spiral into a depression by ruminating over your exes; rather, I encourage you to take the time to properly grieve each one and let him go. For me, this involves writing ‘hate letters’ which I never send, calling my mom to talk things out, and going to therapy. That brings us to number three. 

Thirdly, please, for the love of God, go to therapy. I have used men as therapists for the last six years, so when my last relationship ended, I had no emotional outlet. It is vital that you find a trusted therapist to process your emotions with and learn how to be emotionally independent. Or, at the very least, open up more often to your friends and family. This is a perfect opportunity to build better relationships with those around you, and to learn how to rely on people that you aren’t dating. Your best friends and family have your best interests in mind; learn to listen to them. 

So, will I ever be able to decenter men? I think so. I know it is going to require much more than a semester off dating – and I’m going to hate that – but after six years, I am finally ready to embark on this seemingly impossible quest. To any woman who finds herself in my shoes, I ask that you join me. As young women it is vital that we experience a life outside of men, that we can take care of each other and ourselves, and that we know who we are without a man by our sides or on our minds. And one day, we’ll be ready to re-enter the dating world more sure of who we are, with our standards higher, and confident that we will not only be okay on our own, but able to thrive.