“Finally, I would like to remind you that this process, and any communication about the process and its outcome, should be treated with the appropriate confidentiality.” 

Two years ago, to the day, a man on my university rowing team asked me to be his girlfriend. Two years, I said yes. Two years ago, I was elated and so in love. Two years ago, the most tumultuous two years of my life would begin.  

I have never explicitly written about my experience before – when I have written articles on this subject in the past, I would pretend to be talking about someone else. I did this for two reasons: one, I did not want to be labelled a victim, pitied, or be so vulnerable. Two, in a town this small, everyone will know who I am talking about. 

Today, I no longer care.

From November of 2023 to January of 2024, I was in a sexually abusive relationship with a classic narcissist. When we broke up – for the second time – at the beginning of my second semester of second year, I knew I had to tell my friends and family what had occurred over the course of our relationship. All of these things I had kept a secret, afraid they wouldn’t like him, afraid they would make me break up with him. Constantly afraid. 

After divulging this sensitive information, my friends, family and I decided it would be best to take the case to Student Conduct. At first, I was extremely reluctant – why would they believe me? I had no evidence, no witnesses; it was a classic “he said she said,” and we all know who wins those cases every time. However, we were still on the same rowing team and my training was heavily impacted by our shared training sessions. The director of rowing and rowing committee had been extremely unhelpful in managing the situation, informing me that in order to remove him from the team or train at different times, I had to take the case to Student Conduct. So, I did. 

My first meeting with the women at Student Conduct did not fill me with hope. They informed me that building a case would be difficult with a lack of evidence. I explained that I couldn’t train and perform at the athletic level I desired with him on my team – I had to move forward with the case. They said they understood and assured me it would only take four to six weeks, so I didn’t have to worry too much about drawn-out emotional turmoil and stress.

I begin a case against my teammate and ex-boyfriend in March of 2024. The case concluded yesterday, March 5th, 2025 – the exact day, two years ago, he asked me to be his girlfriend.

They found him not guilty. “He said she said.” One year of my life – gone. 

Despite the immense anger, disappointment and sadness I feel, I understand why they would find him innocent; it’s true, I have no tangible evidence to back my claims. However, what angers me more is the unorganized, convoluted and drawn-out process I have been a part of for the last year. From consistently forgetting to reply to my emails to miscalculating the date I would find out the verdict, my experience with Student Conduct has been horrible.  

Four to six weeks, they said.  

Not guilty, they said.  

I consistently encourage women to stand up for themselves and speak up when they are victims of sexual harassment, assault, abuse and rape. However, after my experience with Student Conduct and the University of St Andrews, I cannot in good conscious tell women to go through this process. So, what do we do? Who do we turn to? 

I don’t have a good answer to this question, but I believe our strength lies in numbers: sixty percent of the student population at St Andrews is women. We must share our stories, be vulnerable, believe each other, and refuse to stand by any man who is a perpetrator of abuse. It is only through a shared sisterhood that any real change can be made. For instance, recently a female student at St Andrews created the Sexual Assault Support Group, which gives female survivors of sexual violence in St Andrews a space to share their experience, gain support, and learn with fellow survivors. I am proud to call the woman that started this group my best friend; it is incredible to witness the impact she has made, and continues to make, on a handful of female students. Anybody can make a change and build a sisterhood – we just have to take that first step. 

I waited for an email from Student Conduct regarding the outcome of my case for a year. When I finally received it, I couldn’t read past the phrase: “there was no finding of non-academic misconduct”. However, the next day I forced myself to finish reading it, and found myself paralyzed by the final line: “Finally, I would like to remind you that this process, and any communication about the process and its outcome, should be treated with the appropriate confidentiality.” 

Writing this article was a difficult decision to make for several reasons, the biggest one being I am sharing the most intimate parts of my life to an unknown audience at the risk of being called a liar and attention-seeker, facing insufferable pity, and getting into trouble with the university. However, I believe this vulnerability is necessary to spur change. All women, whether victims of sexual violence or not, deserve to peek behind the curtain that is Student Conduct and know how cases such as my own were mismanaged. I don’t want this article to deter women from speaking out about their experiences or fill them with a sense of hopelessness – if you feel undergoing a case is your best option, please take it. However, I hope my story encourages you all to seek solace in each other, not the university. Be vulnerable with one another, believe each other, simultaneously share and listen, and make positive change within our community. I believe that in changing student culture, we will change the university. A broken system can leave us feeling angry and dejected, but it does not have to render us hopeless.