The Essence Within
There are many ways to say hello, but I have a favorite.
I like to think about dashing into slow-rolling waves. My legs thread through the water like tree trunks planting, rooting to the earth before they even have a chance to collide.
Or maybe I’ll crash into the surf as it sweeps across the sand, as it churns each kernel of time through the cyclical choreography of its tide. Above I am flying and floating beneath, two halves pulling from their core which moves only forward.
All the while, wedged between the tiny bodies stepping hesitantly or perhaps floating on their backs, buoyantly bouncing across the tide, a sudden joy will ripple across; my heart will lift and my wrists will tingle. There will never be enough of this feeling, but there will always be more.
If there is a moment to feel like a whole person, I choose this one for infinity.
— Fiona MacManus
I want to be in the way that the wind is;
you see it by how it moves other things.
In the way of dancing flowers and swirling leaves and hair blowing across a forehead, I want to be known by the hands I hold and the smile lines that emerge in my presence.
Just as wind carries flocks of sun-chasing birds each season, I’ll guide my many loves to warmer places.
Like wind is traced through the air by what it carries, I want trailing behind me a path forged in love and light.
I don’t need to be seen, I’d much rather be felt.
— Fiona MacManus
it too shall pass
we sat where it all started,
once used to escape the noise of our two best friends.
formerly a place of convenience,
turned into a space of comfort for just you and I.
here we told stories as the world around us slept,
a window sill above dumpsters and drunks,
somehow so peaceful and serene.
I told you that i am self assured,
laughing as i called myself “ a catch.”
confident in my worth, beauty, and intelligence.
yet, perplexing as your are, you still surprised me as i thought i truly knew me,
yet you showed me sides of me i was never acquainted to.
Because while i have always stood my ground,
i found myself behaving passive and shy,
too nervous and scared of being perceived poorly.
Yet around you i feel safe enough to scream,
in the same breathe i feel adored enough to whisper in your ear.
i’ve never questioned my loyalty, but you skewed my morals and wills.
i lie for you because i care about you.
the window i once struggled to open,
i now lift with ease
as the butter knife wedged into the paint
broke the seal of denial.
longing gazes i once avoided,
embraces i once refused,
words i never spoke,
thoughts i was too scared to speak,
feelings i struggled to understand,
seeped into the room.
the tension, as present as the cold air of the north sea,
was cut.
as i stood up,
maneuvering around your home,
similar to how you get comfortable on your side of the bench,
where you look for an excuse to get closer. grabbing my knee or adjusting your leg,
i looked for an excuse to stay.
searching for whatever i could have left,
even though i knew there was nothing there as i said all that i could say.
so you closed your door.
gently, yet not with the same tenderness that you close my curtains when it’s time to go to sleep.
when your stroke my hair, i pulled you closer,
telling you to tell me to leave.
l layed in your bed,
the same one i told you that you will rot in,
like that of the wood beneath the fresh paint of your window,
that is somehow already cracked.
- By Lu An
curtains closing
you hold my hand,
rub my shoulders,
and kiss the words of my first tattoo behind my neck.
i stare out your window,
you call it brooding,
all i feel is longing.
intentions no longer the forefront of our actions, similar to how we no longer focus on the blue of the sky as the yellows and pinks of the sunset become purple.
we look to the sky trying to ignore how our legs and hands linger,
slowly inching closer,
gravitated towards one another unconsciously.
yet when the sky becomes black, no longer captivating our gaze,
we’re forced to look at one another,
no longer having an excuse to look away.
unable to deny what this is really is,
emotions too strong that we didn’t need words.
I bent your charger like you did to my morals,
let’s call it even.
but like i have said countless times before,
that would be unfair.
Because you are fortunate enough to possess apple support,
with that comes security.
before i met you, i spent a long time believing it was overrated and unnecessary,
so now i have nothing to fall back on.
Left to fix this by myself,
navigating through the aftermath on my own.
but we both know i am directionally challenged.
sometimes when i spin myself around,
you grabbed me by the hips,
adjusted me,
showed me the way so that i ended up at our preferred destination.
other times you blurred the lines, like that of those that separate road lanes,
leaving me at an intersection where i don’t know if i should turn left or right.
My confusion heightened by the meshing of the traffic lights.
green, yellow, and red all appear as one,
as did white when it turned into grey,
which quickly became black.