I have struggled to gather my thoughts over this winter break. Every time I sit down to write – even at this moment – the words that appear on my screen are, to put it simply, bad. So, the best I can offer is a series of journal entries and incomplete, hastily written article ideas between December 14th and January 6th. I’m sure there is an underlying theme or message to this stream of consciousness, but I don’t exactly know what it is; my hope is simply that there will be at least one thing that entertains, helps or resonates with each reader.  

December 14th, 2024:  

Being in St Andrews can be so frustrating sometimes. It’s suffocating. My passive, and sometimes active, partaking in the classist social politics in this town makes me question my values, makes me wonder if I am a good person or not. (“Classist social politics” – that’s such a stuck up phrase oh my goddd). If I died tomorrow, would I be proud of the life I lived? Maybe I’m just on my period and it really isn’t this dramatic. 

20th: 

It’s been less than 24 hours with my cousins and I can confidently say that my family is what grounds me. I truly feel that I have the best family in the world. I have spent the last month in St Andrews stressing about what is most important in life, about whether money can buy happiness. That was so stupid. I think I need to work on being grateful, especially at university. Who am I to complain? But I’m definitely moving back to America.

22nd:  

I can’t believe I hooked up with a Mormon DJ last night. This has to be a new low. Or maybe a new high? Definitely a new low. 

24th: 

Last Christmas Eve, I was crying because my boyfriend and I hadn’t called for a week, and our last phone call resulted in a screaming match that I lost. When I had asked why he stopped calling, he said: “It’s because you’re annoying now. You didn’t used to annoy me”. This Christmas Eve, I feel pure gratitude and peace, a feeling that would have been unattainable a year ago. Our dinner tonight was full of laughter, cocktails with tajin covered rims, too many courses with too little food, and a phone call to our favorite club to see if they were open (they were not – it’s Christmas Eve). I truly could not be luckier to live a life that parallels a cheesy Christmas movie. Also, my cousins and I did some shot skis after dinner which were BOMB but maybe a faux pas for Christmas?  

25th:  

It snowed last night and it’s snowing this morning! We got a white Christmas!!! That’s my dad and I’s favorite Christmas movie; we didn’t get to watch it this year, but we got to live it, so I would argue that’s even better. It’s dark outside and I’m the only one awake right now to see this. I have the door open a crack so I can feel the air – I hope the wind doesn’t wake anyone up. I wish we could move back to Park City.  

31st:  

Brennan – my dear friend from St Andrews – got to Minnesota yesterday! Kate and I met her at the airport with a homemade sign that said: “Brennan Burke, welcome to Minne-suck on DEEZ NUTZ”. You’re welcome, Brennan.  

January 1st, 2025:  

In my opinion, when you go through something traumatic, there is always a “life before” and a “life after” the trauma. When the traumatic incident is extended, such as an abusive relationship, the “life before” is not actually referring to life prior to the traumatic incident, but rather to life during the prolonged trauma. This life is defined by constant fear, anxiety, stress, deep sadness, and unfortunately, a prevailing hope that things will get better. The “life after” is simply about redefining the “life before”, about reclaiming life for oneself.  

Last night felt similar to Christmas Eve; it was a redefinition of my “life before”. Embarrassingly enough, last New Years Eve I was sobbing in bed with BoJack Horseman playing in the background (yikes), waiting for a phone call that never came and distressed that 2024 had already gotten off to such a depressing start. This New Years Eve, I made sure the year ended much better than it begin; I was lucky enough to be surrounded by four of my best friends, again full of gratitude and peace, and really, really drunk. Then I hit somebody’s mango vape and blacked out. Whatever they put in American vapes should NOT be legal. I am very happy to live the life I live. 

6th:  

We’re dropping my brother back off at college right now. Sometimes I wish he and I were closer, that we had more in common. Maybe one day. I am truly looking forward to going back to St Andrews. I think living your “life after” is all about appreciating the little moments in order to redefine the big ones; it is a conscientious and intense effort to see the world in a positive light and reclaim it for yourself, a feat which is difficult yet worth the struggle. I know I need to return to St Andrews with an adjusted sense of gratitude and appreciativeness; again, who am I to complain? Anyways, the Mormon DJ follows me on Instagram – I really hope he doesn’t read this when I repost it on my story. If you’re reading this Ian, I’m sorry for calling you a “new low” and I wish you all the best with your DJ career!